RIdiculously stupid?

Yes, ideas can be ridiculously stupid.

I advise you head to www.ridiculously-stupid-ideas.co.uk for more information

The limitation of free webhosting

The web is built in part from the millions of personal free webpages (most shit, of course. I don't want to know about your personal problems, or your cat, that's what soaps on TV are for).

However, every so often, you need to resort to such things to allow you do stuff. One of the main things I'm looking for is a place I can store things for download. You know, so other people can download them. Whenever I'm making files, usually involve .exe self-exectuable zip files (the ones that know everything, so you only have to click one button). In normal circumstances, I'd just email it, but this particular file gets updated quite regularly, and I'm sure some of the recipients dont really want all the update that come arriving three times a week.

So, off I trundle, to go and find some free web hosting. I rooted out my new geocities account which was currently being used to host .swf files. However, they don't like .exe files. No suprise there. So I dig out my angelfire account which hasn't been accessed in two years, and try it there. Bingo! It uploads! So I go to test to out, but guess what, I get a message saying that Angelfire disallows download of certain filetypes to protect users from viruses.

Viruses.

Sweet Jesus man! Is everyone on this planet so scared about viruses? I mean come on. Any half-wit can operate anti-virus software, and use some basic common sense when it comes to files. Jeez.

Anyway, back on topic. I start searching the web, and come across this website, which gives a nice long list of what files they will host. I press ctrl+f, and guess what, I find .exe! Hooray! I start up an account (this website is strangely devoid of ads, my suspicions that my email address was going to be carted off to some 3rd party spammer arose at this point), and instantly go to upload my file.

"You are not permitted to upload that type of file".

#$%&!!!!

Of course, in the end, I found what I was looking for, but after a good two hour look. It even allows me to password protect the files, excellent! So all hail to Sharemation.

But in any case, whyever hosting .exe files is so bad is beyond me. It all goes to viruses. You know that if you get infected by a virus, it's because you're a twat?

Moggy's Tip of the day
"Shine your shoes, wipe your ass."

Enlightening.

You Are What You Eat

Ever heard of Dr Gillian McKeith? She’s the author of You Are What You Eat and is the face of the TV programme of the same name. Ever read her book? No, neither have I, but I have at least skimmed through it. And some of her healthy eating advice seems sound enough. But the rest is a bunch of arse. You can eat things like vegetables (dull in colour only), seeds, nuts and fish. You can’t eat: meats and sweets. So, for example, you’re sitting at home some Tuesday morning watching Trisha (you’ve got the day off school or work for some reason. Or maybe you don’t go to either) and you think, “Gawd, I’m hungry. I could do with a high fat and/or sugar snack to take the edge off it a bit.” Obviously, that comes under sweets. What you can have then, is a cucumber. A whole cucumber. I mean, cucumbers are alright as far as cucumbers go but can you seriously imagine sitting down at 10 o’clock in the morning to munch on 8 inches of green water? I’ll have a Mars Bar please.
Dr Gillian’s book also contains one of the best lines in any book. She says that her diet is not about cutting out food so:

“Go on and eat those avocados, and those brazil nuts, almonds, sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds and walnuts and the list goes on and on.”

Hallelujah! There really is a God. Y’know I was afraid that to be healthy I would have to cut out all those pumpkin seeds I eat every day. And I’m just not right in the morning until I’ve had my first avocado of the day.
Seriously though, have you ever eaten a pumpkin seed? Gillian reckons you can eat them by the handful if you’re hungry. Which is a lie. They’re a vile, disgusting thing to be eating. I’d love to see her cupboards. Probably full to bursting with King Size Snickers and multi bags of Monster Munch.

“Hello.”
“Er…hi.”
“My name is Doctor Gillian McKeith and I’m a doctor.”
“Oh. That’s…uh, nice.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a cheeseburger.”
“And what are those?”
“They would be chips.”
“Where are the pulses?”
“Excuse me?”
“Your pulses. Where are they? And your pumpkin seeds. Ate those first did you?”
“No.”
“Waiting for the waiter to bring them down, eh?”
“No, I didn’t order any. I don’t think McDonalds serves them. You can ask if you like.”
“Hmm. I’ll speak to the waiter when he next comes round.”
“This is McDonalds. They don’t have wai-”
“How are your bowels?”
“I-they-what?”
“I’ll bet, because of all that rubbish you eat, that your bowels are in a terrible state. Smelly big stools you probably have.”
“What are you talking ab-”
“They’re probably really heavy too. The sort of stools that sink through treacle. And I suppose you’re constipated.”
“Well, it’s not the easiest task in the world, but I’m not constipated.”
“And look at your complexion. All blotchy and puffy. Your eyes. Good God, look at your eyes.”
“Look, Miss?”
“Doctor Gillian McKeith.”
“Miss McKeith. Did you come over here just to insult how I look? Because you’re no spring chicken yourself.”
“No, no, no. Of course not. I want to take you on national television- channel 4 no less – and subject you, your eating habits and your stools to strong interrogation to figure out why you feel like shit all the time.”
“I don’t feel like shit all the time.”
“Well you look it.”
“This is me looking pissed off because some stupid dickheaded woman is pestering me over pulses in the middle of McDonalds.”
“Hm, mood swings and irritability as well. You have it bad. Come and see me tomorrow morning first thing and I’ll start sorting your poor dying body out.”
“I’d rather chew off my own feet than go on your ridiculous TV show.”
“No. You can’t eat meat unless it’s fish. Meat Is Bad. Try and remember that. It’s easy if you remember the acronym MIB.”
“MIB?”
“Yes.”
“And does MIB mean anything?”
“Meat Is Bad! Aren’t you listening!? Jesus, this is going to be slow. Shall I write it down for you? Here.”
“No, wait. Give me that pen and paper.”
“Oh ok.” [gives man pen and paper] “It’s probably best you do it yourself. Helps slower people to remember things.”
“There.” [gives paper back to McKeith and walks away]
“No you keep this, stupid man. What’s it say?” [reads] “Well, I never. What’s a dick face anyway?”

"Aah, put it over there somewhere..."

A while ago there was a campaign here on the North Coast of Northern Ireland to prevent a proposed wind farm from being built a couple of miles off the coast. The whole thing ran under the slogan "Not In My Back Yard" or NIMBY. The thing is though, when you say 'Not in my back yard', what you're really saying is 'Put in in someone else's yard'. The same people who objected to the wind farm on the grounds that it "would spoil the natural beauty of our coastline" are probably the tree-hugging hippy type who demand greater use of renewable energy sources and a cut down on the amount of non-renewable fossil fuels burnt, "as long as it doesn't put me out please." They want clean, efficient, eco-friendly, not to mention cheap energy but don't want to have to suffer for it in any way.

"What's that you've got there?"
"Oh this? It's a wind turbine."
"Is it really?" [looks up] "Pretty big isn't it?"
"Yeah something like 130 feet."
"Wow. Nice. What're you doing with it?"
"I thought I'd go about 3 miles out to sea here and plonk it down there with about 60 others and have a kind of wind farm. It will provide 150 megawatts of clean, renewable energy and can help to go some way to lessening the effects fossil fuels are having on our environment. Britain has an obligation nowadays to reduce carbon emissions anyway so this is a start."
"Here?"
"Sorry?"
"You're putting it here?"
"Uh huh."
"No no. Won't happen."
"Why not?"
"Because it will spoil the natural beauty of this world famous coastline. Listen mate, I'm all for helping the environment - hug a tree and all that - but there is no way on God's Earth you are putting those turbines on our coast."
"They're not on the coast as such. They'll be so far out they won't look 160 feet tall."
"I don't care. I'm going to go organise a meeting to stop this. I'm not having that in my back yard."
"Well, what the hell am I going to do with this thing!?"
"Aah, put it over there somewhere where I can't see it."

Of course, I say 60 turbines about 130 feet in height but it all depends on where you get your information from. Coleraine Borough Council reckons it'll be more like 85 turbines 450 feet in height and the BBC website gives two different accounts. But anyway, one of the stupidest arguments the aforementioned Coleraine Borough Council (CBC) gives on its website (http://www.colerainebc.gov.uk/stopthewindfarm/) is that

"Little is known about the ability of birds to avoid wind turbines - there is concern about the lack of in-depth information on the effects of this wind farm on our birdlife."

Little is known about the ability of birds to avoid wind turbines. Well, it's about 450 feet high according to you. I think they might notice it. And if wind farms kill all the birds then you can't have any anywhere. At all. Ah, but as long as it kills someone else's birds that's all right then.
And another thing. According to CBC there has been up to 40% fewer tourists to Denmark due specifically to offshore wind farms. But there has never been a study indicating a reduction in tourist numbers in Denmark. In fact, from 1980 - 2000 - the period of most wind energy expansion in Denmark - tourism increased by 80%.

"There. That's another reason you can't put it up there."
"What is?"
"It'll kill birds."
[sighs] "Really."
"Oh yes."
"More than are killed on roads, by cats, by people?"
"Yeah probably."
"So you're saying that when I build this wind farm all the birds on the North Coast are going to flock to it and smash themselves up against the blades of the turbines?"
"They won't hit the blades, the blades will hit them."
"And why can't they avoid them in the same way that they avoid cars and the like?"
"Listen you. When blades spin in a circular motion like that it confuses birds and they aren't able to avoid them. It's all to do with how their brains work."
"And you've studied bird brains have you?"
"Oh yes. I have a PhD from Oxford in it."
"In what?"
"Uhm, Ornithological Cortex Studies."
"Right. So that's all scientific fact then is it?"
"Oh yes."
"Actually no it isn't. That was a rhetorical question."
"Well if it isn't it should be. I have a PhD y'know."
"Ah shut up."

Violence in video games leads to violence in real life; and Mahatma Ghandi is your mother

Grand Theft Auto. Remember when parents, religious people and the government wanted to ban the game and hang the developers, as it promoted violence? A load of bollocky codswollop!

It's not as if a pixellated computer generated character is going to jump out of the screen and murder your child (although, you might want to run a google search on "Mr Happy Face"). Nor is your child going to start around shooting old ladies because he mugged a few people in video games.

First person shooters are full of blood and gore, and you tend to die a lot in them. Hardly encouraging people to go out and blow people up, is it? I proudly have a fragrate of over 1 in America's Army, but it's not 2. Which means every time I kill 3 people, I get killed twice. In real life, since it isn't two, that means I kill one person, then die. I don't want to die, and neither do impressionable kids.

This is another case of stupid, stupid people being placed in charge.

Here's proof that violent video games actually PREVENT violence

"Hey mom, can I get this game?"
"No. It has a "Beware, violence" sticker on it"
"It has an age rating of 15, and I AM 15."
"Yes, but you will go out and start beating people up if I let you play it"
"What are you talking about? It has violence between soldiers in it, I'm hardly going to joinup to the army"
"No, you're not getting it"
"But I want it! I won't become violent if you get me it. Come ON!"
"I said no!"
*child beats up mother for not buying game*

We can safely conclude that denying children violent games results in violence.

Moggy's Tip of the Day:
"Pepperami sticks are good rulers of third world states"

Is that because a pepperami stick contains more calories than the average national calorie intake of that third world country?

Is it because I'm fat?

If you are fat, related to a fat person, a pro-fatty, ugly or a woman with a hairy lip you might not want to read any further than this. Because I'm going to criticise you all. Except ugly people; you just go away.

Do you know what's really terrible? When fat women get married. Somehow you always expect that when a woman gets married she's going to be thin. Then you see her in her wedding dress with her fatty underarm spilling over the side and you get this tremendous feeling of, I don't know, disappointment maybe. I mean, most people plan their weddings maybe two, three years in advance, so you would think that she would lay off the buns, chocolate, crisps and 2 litre bottles of Coke for a while to at least try to get herself down to a size 32. "Oh it's not fat. I retain water," she'll sometimes argue. "It's glandular and I'll thank you not to stare," says the 47 stone man pouring his second super size Big Mac down his throat. Bollocks. Keep your mouth shut fatty and get off your backside once in a while to do something other than open another tub of ice cream and maybe the weight will come off. And the funny thing is, fat people have generally very disgusting eating habits and cravings. Things like an After Eight sandwich, melted Mars Bars on toast, sugar sandwiches at three o'clock in the morning. Then they go, "Oh why am I so fat? I hate the way I look. Pass the full fat mayonnaise dear, I want to put some on my deep pan pizza. Oh I'm so hideous. Where's my beer?" You see them on episodes of Trisha titled "I'm a big fat shit and my lover doesn't want to touch me". Even worse are the 'Big and Beautiful' Brigade. Yes, you are big. No, you are not beautiful. You're just fat.
And remember I mentioned women with hairy lips at the beginning? Well, that's another thing that really irks me. (Irks? Not a word I'd usually use.) Why don't you shave you stupid woman!? That's a moustache you've got. Don't you see it when you look in the mirror!? And shave every day. You don't want a stubble. That would be too much.

"Excuse me."
"Sorry?"
"Could you move aside there. So I can get past."
"There's plenty of room."
"No there isn't."
"There is."
"No. You're taking up the whole corridor."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It's means that your considerable girth is blocking my easy passage through this corridor. Now move." [starts trying to shove fat person]
"That won't work. You haven't the upper body strength to move a 60 stone woman. Ha! I win."
"So you admit it. You are a big fatty."
"I retain water for your information. You're just fattist. I also have an underactive thyroid. It's a medical burden I have to bear and I'm a little sensitive about it."
"Don't call me fattist you fat bitch. You should go on a diet and see if that cures your 'underactive thyroid'. And while you're at it, shave that thing off your upper lip."

By the way, I now realise that Noah built the ark and not Moses, so please ignore the person who felt the need to post a comment on my last blog to that effect. We here at Superfluous Rantings apologise for any inconvenience or discomfort this may have caused.

It's Christmas time

For my first entry on this blog, I'm going to talk about Christmas. The true meaning of Christmas. Jesus. What I don't understand about Jesus is where God's sacrifice is. We're told in the Bible that God gave his only son. But where is Jesus now? In heaven. With God presumably. So what's the problem? And, if God is so powerful, why does he have to go through the time consuming, frankly dodgy process of Jesus? Why doesn't he just forgive all sin without any of the show boating? I'm thinking that Jesus probably brought up this point when God suggested the whole thing to him:
25th March 0 A.D.
God: "Hi son. What've you got there?"
J.C. : "Oh, it's your book. Did you really write this?"
God: "Well, I was the inspiration."
J.C. : "Well, it's a little confusing. Who wrote it for you?"
God: "I dunno, some guy I guess. Listen son, I've been thinking"
J.C. : "Oh?"
God: "Yeah, about the whole sin thing."
J.C. : "Not again. Remember the last time you thought about the whole sin thing? Poor old Moses' hands were bleeding with the effort of building that bloody ark you told him to. I heard him talking to Adam about it the other day. Still never got an apology from you I hear."
God: "Look, I'm very busy. I have a universe to run you know. I haven't got time to go round apologising the every Tom, Dick or Harry I've pissed off over the past eternity. Anyway, I have an idea that will solve all the world's problems."
J.C. : "Oh, you mean like disease, famine, poverty, war, that sort of thing?"
God: "No, no, no, no, no. Sin, idiot boy. Actually, it's an idea I've had for some time. I'm going to send my only begotten son down to Earth to be horribly and excruciatingly painfully murdered and then all sin will be removed from humanity."
J.C. : "Your only begotten so- hey! That's me!"
God: "I know! Isn't it exciting!?"
J.C. : "Not really. You're all powerful. Why don't you just forgive all sin now? Forget about hideous, gruesome deaths and just forgive man."
God: "I wanna do it this way."
J.C. : "Well, this way sounds pretty crappy, Dad."
God: "Listen, son, it's all written down in my book. I thought you read it."
J.C. : "I got kinda lost."
God: "It doesn't matter now. get ready. Gabriel's going today to tell some virgin doll from Nazareth that she's going to give birth to you."
J.C. : "A virgin from Nazareth?"
God: "That's what I said, but Gabriel reckons he's found one. There are ways to tell."
J.C. : "Like what?"
God: "Nothing you need to know about. Hurry up, you have to go down with the Holy Spirit to come upon this woman. Now that we're all agreed on a plan."
J.C. : "I don't agree with it."
God: "Well then we'll just have to agree to disagree. Get ready."