You Are What You Eat

Ever heard of Dr Gillian McKeith? She’s the author of You Are What You Eat and is the face of the TV programme of the same name. Ever read her book? No, neither have I, but I have at least skimmed through it. And some of her healthy eating advice seems sound enough. But the rest is a bunch of arse. You can eat things like vegetables (dull in colour only), seeds, nuts and fish. You can’t eat: meats and sweets. So, for example, you’re sitting at home some Tuesday morning watching Trisha (you’ve got the day off school or work for some reason. Or maybe you don’t go to either) and you think, “Gawd, I’m hungry. I could do with a high fat and/or sugar snack to take the edge off it a bit.” Obviously, that comes under sweets. What you can have then, is a cucumber. A whole cucumber. I mean, cucumbers are alright as far as cucumbers go but can you seriously imagine sitting down at 10 o’clock in the morning to munch on 8 inches of green water? I’ll have a Mars Bar please.
Dr Gillian’s book also contains one of the best lines in any book. She says that her diet is not about cutting out food so:

“Go on and eat those avocados, and those brazil nuts, almonds, sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds and walnuts and the list goes on and on.”

Hallelujah! There really is a God. Y’know I was afraid that to be healthy I would have to cut out all those pumpkin seeds I eat every day. And I’m just not right in the morning until I’ve had my first avocado of the day.
Seriously though, have you ever eaten a pumpkin seed? Gillian reckons you can eat them by the handful if you’re hungry. Which is a lie. They’re a vile, disgusting thing to be eating. I’d love to see her cupboards. Probably full to bursting with King Size Snickers and multi bags of Monster Munch.

“Hello.”
“Er…hi.”
“My name is Doctor Gillian McKeith and I’m a doctor.”
“Oh. That’s…uh, nice.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a cheeseburger.”
“And what are those?”
“They would be chips.”
“Where are the pulses?”
“Excuse me?”
“Your pulses. Where are they? And your pumpkin seeds. Ate those first did you?”
“No.”
“Waiting for the waiter to bring them down, eh?”
“No, I didn’t order any. I don’t think McDonalds serves them. You can ask if you like.”
“Hmm. I’ll speak to the waiter when he next comes round.”
“This is McDonalds. They don’t have wai-”
“How are your bowels?”
“I-they-what?”
“I’ll bet, because of all that rubbish you eat, that your bowels are in a terrible state. Smelly big stools you probably have.”
“What are you talking ab-”
“They’re probably really heavy too. The sort of stools that sink through treacle. And I suppose you’re constipated.”
“Well, it’s not the easiest task in the world, but I’m not constipated.”
“And look at your complexion. All blotchy and puffy. Your eyes. Good God, look at your eyes.”
“Look, Miss?”
“Doctor Gillian McKeith.”
“Miss McKeith. Did you come over here just to insult how I look? Because you’re no spring chicken yourself.”
“No, no, no. Of course not. I want to take you on national television- channel 4 no less – and subject you, your eating habits and your stools to strong interrogation to figure out why you feel like shit all the time.”
“I don’t feel like shit all the time.”
“Well you look it.”
“This is me looking pissed off because some stupid dickheaded woman is pestering me over pulses in the middle of McDonalds.”
“Hm, mood swings and irritability as well. You have it bad. Come and see me tomorrow morning first thing and I’ll start sorting your poor dying body out.”
“I’d rather chew off my own feet than go on your ridiculous TV show.”
“No. You can’t eat meat unless it’s fish. Meat Is Bad. Try and remember that. It’s easy if you remember the acronym MIB.”
“MIB?”
“Yes.”
“And does MIB mean anything?”
“Meat Is Bad! Aren’t you listening!? Jesus, this is going to be slow. Shall I write it down for you? Here.”
“No, wait. Give me that pen and paper.”
“Oh ok.” [gives man pen and paper] “It’s probably best you do it yourself. Helps slower people to remember things.”
“There.” [gives paper back to McKeith and walks away]
“No you keep this, stupid man. What’s it say?” [reads] “Well, I never. What’s a dick face anyway?”