Is it because I'm fat?

If you are fat, related to a fat person, a pro-fatty, ugly or a woman with a hairy lip you might not want to read any further than this. Because I'm going to criticise you all. Except ugly people; you just go away.

Do you know what's really terrible? When fat women get married. Somehow you always expect that when a woman gets married she's going to be thin. Then you see her in her wedding dress with her fatty underarm spilling over the side and you get this tremendous feeling of, I don't know, disappointment maybe. I mean, most people plan their weddings maybe two, three years in advance, so you would think that she would lay off the buns, chocolate, crisps and 2 litre bottles of Coke for a while to at least try to get herself down to a size 32. "Oh it's not fat. I retain water," she'll sometimes argue. "It's glandular and I'll thank you not to stare," says the 47 stone man pouring his second super size Big Mac down his throat. Bollocks. Keep your mouth shut fatty and get off your backside once in a while to do something other than open another tub of ice cream and maybe the weight will come off. And the funny thing is, fat people have generally very disgusting eating habits and cravings. Things like an After Eight sandwich, melted Mars Bars on toast, sugar sandwiches at three o'clock in the morning. Then they go, "Oh why am I so fat? I hate the way I look. Pass the full fat mayonnaise dear, I want to put some on my deep pan pizza. Oh I'm so hideous. Where's my beer?" You see them on episodes of Trisha titled "I'm a big fat shit and my lover doesn't want to touch me". Even worse are the 'Big and Beautiful' Brigade. Yes, you are big. No, you are not beautiful. You're just fat.
And remember I mentioned women with hairy lips at the beginning? Well, that's another thing that really irks me. (Irks? Not a word I'd usually use.) Why don't you shave you stupid woman!? That's a moustache you've got. Don't you see it when you look in the mirror!? And shave every day. You don't want a stubble. That would be too much.

"Excuse me."
"Sorry?"
"Could you move aside there. So I can get past."
"There's plenty of room."
"No there isn't."
"There is."
"No. You're taking up the whole corridor."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It's means that your considerable girth is blocking my easy passage through this corridor. Now move." [starts trying to shove fat person]
"That won't work. You haven't the upper body strength to move a 60 stone woman. Ha! I win."
"So you admit it. You are a big fatty."
"I retain water for your information. You're just fattist. I also have an underactive thyroid. It's a medical burden I have to bear and I'm a little sensitive about it."
"Don't call me fattist you fat bitch. You should go on a diet and see if that cures your 'underactive thyroid'. And while you're at it, shave that thing off your upper lip."

By the way, I now realise that Noah built the ark and not Moses, so please ignore the person who felt the need to post a comment on my last blog to that effect. We here at Superfluous Rantings apologise for any inconvenience or discomfort this may have caused.