Fuel

I was driving home today, when on the way, I nearly had an accident. Do you know why? It's because I was gawping at the prices of fuel! (By "nearly had an accident", I mean I went three inches closer to the verge than I was. I know, overdramatisation. Stop whinging.)

Do you want to know what the price of fuel was at that station?

88.9 for Unleaded
92.9 for Diesel

What the bleeding hell! ARSEMUCH!

How the hell am I supposed to get anywhere when all my monies is wasted on fuel? And don't be smart and say "walk" or "cycle" there. I live 12 miles from the nearest town with shops that sell anything interesting or important, and 15 miles from my school.

I don't bloody well care if the environment is collapsing around me to save me 5 hours of walking. I know everyone thinks "OMFG! Gotta save the environment!", but drive everywhere, request plastic bags for a newspaper, and chop down trees because they look like Michael Jackson.

I don't give a damn about supply & demand. There is enough oil to keep prices down, so drill it! It's hardly my fault that Mr Bush decided to steal the oil in Iraq, and in the process, increase prices by 75%. It's so goddamn stupid!

Another thing that annoys me is environmentalists screaming in my ear "You evil bastard! Stop using your car and use something else, like mass transport." Do you know why this pisses me off? Because there is nothing else to use! The nearest bus stop is 3 miles away, and I've already said the distances to the nearest town. Once YOU provide me with alternative measures to get there, like hydrogen powered cars, I'll use them! Wankers.

I am so, so miserable, aren't I?

Moggy's Tip of the day:
"Palm trees will hurt innocent sloths."

Signing off,
Andrew.

Personal Hygiene

An incredibly irritating thing is having to sit beside a person who most obviously hasn't washed since The Spanish Inquisition. BO pissed me off something serious, and today, I shall rant about it.

There is a certain person I know, and he absolutely wreaks to high hell. Every time you go within 5 metres of this guy, you are repelled by an incredibly pungent smell normally associated with rotting carcasses or an illegal abatoire dealing in rotting flesh. If it's possible for BO to be an entity, this is that person. I don't know if this person just doesn't have a shower, or his house doesn't actually have a shower either. I'd prefer to think it's the latter, because there really is no excuse for having armpits like Transylvanian swamps. Originally, I thought there was something wrong with my nose, but I'm not the only one to think Person X is a good reminder of what it's like when you're trapped in a tank full of ammonia gas.

There are no end of things that can help you stay nice and unsmelly. Like soap. Soap is a very useful tool when it comes to unsmellifying yourself. The basic steps are so easy. All you require is this wonderstuff and water (of which there is plenty about here in Northern Ireland). Please, all you smelly people out there, have a rinse at least, or better yet, a concentrated sulphuric acid bath to help cleanse away those rotting smells.

And deodorant. What is wrong with using a bit of deodorant? It's so simple. Get up, have a wash, put on some deodorant. And don't argue it's a waste of time. 10 seconds is a small price to pay for social acceptance. Don't these people realise why no-one will get within 14 bus lengths of them? I'd rather be preached at by Free Presbyterians than sit beside someone who smells of cat diarrhea.

Surely the concept of "wash before you come into contact with even the bloody pet worm" should be force intergrated into the brains of these people? I suggest using a battering ram to smash it violently into their heads. Or removal of their brains through their eye sockets, being put in a blender with "Hygiene rules" written on a piece if paper, blended, and force feed the mixture up their nose. ANYTHING to stop the smell, and I mean anything.

If I want to be exposed to smelly stuff, I'll walk into a tub of rotting pidgeon shit, which I never ever plan to do. I plead to all smelly people out there, wash for gawd's sake.

Moggy's Tip of the Day:
"Miserable lightbulbs can blow up in your face, if you take my meaning."

I'll take special care to be nice to my lightbulbs then. Thanks Moggy.

Signing off,
Andrew.

Shopping

You're doing the weekly shopping, looking for some bargains, as we all do. Of course, for some reason, most people are incredibly stupid when it comes to shopping.

OK, you're in a shop, and you see "Xbury's Daily Milk" chocolate bar, on offer, BUY TWO, GET ONE FREE! It's incredible how many people are stupid enough to fall for that trick. Most people wouldn't have bough a Daily Milk chocolate bar in the first place, but they think they're getting a bargain! No you twots! It's XBury who is getting the bargain. Instead of selling 0, making 0 profit, they have a net sale of +1 bar, which earns them money! Are you blind?

Along the similar lines it's "REDUCED from £60 to £15". I know too many people who do the omfg it's a bargain thing. "Oh my fecking gawd! It's an absolute bargain! I save a whopping £45! Wow! Think what I could spend that £45 on!". Foolish boy/girl! You weren't going to buy it in the first place, so you haven't saved £45, you've just wasted £15. Why do you do it! I mean come on! Are people that stupid?

Shifting away from bargain hunting stupidity, you get the most incredibly dickheaded salespeople ever, who just never get a hint. Most of the time, they ask you the most stupid question ever:

"Do you need any help?"
"No."

So now what? Dicky Salesman has to leave you alone now, as he asked a very very closed question and got an even more closed answer. Fool.
Then you get Mr "I'm not going to leave you alone until you buy something, then I'll get really stroppy on you if you don't" salesman. These are even worse. You might think of these as the door to door salesmen you get.

Salesman: "Hi! Are you interested in double glazing?" *jams foot in door to stop you closing it*
Slightly annoyed houseowner: "No. This house is already doubled glazed" *starts trying to push door shut"
Salesman: "I bet you it cost twice as much as with us. Here at eezeewindow, we pride ourselves on cheap prices. We can do it for half the price"
Slightly more annoyed houseowner: "But I don't need them, they are doub...." *begins to squeeze Salesman's foot*
Salesman: Of course for you we'll offer discount for you! How's your mother?
Pretty annoyed houseowner: "Dead, she died two..."
Salesman: "Mine too, always a hassle, the old boots!" *laughs*
Very annoyed houseowner: "How dare you, you insolent bast..." *starts crushing salesman's foot*
Salesman: "I know! Mine said that to me as well! By the way, my foot has been surgically replaces by a steel stub. That won't work. Can I come in?"
Murderous houseowner: "A steel foot? Wow? What about your neck?"
Salesman: "My neck?" *feels neck* "Seems fine and fleshy to me, why do you ask?"

Prosecution barrister: "Mr Houseowner, according to witnesses, you ripped off the salesman's head, beat it around a bit with some cow udders, and threw it in the engine of a conveniently nearby Boeing 747, is this true?"

You get the picture I'm sure.

God I hate shopping, and everything to do with it. And why does it take a company to be threatened ridicule by Watchdog until it does anything? Stupid corporate fatcats!

Talking of cats:
Moggy's Tip of the Day: "An irate bus inspector will cause no harm to a local amoeba, but will cause nothing but distress in worry for canister number 28280017-C, if you take my meaning."

That's not my experience. An irate bus inspector just throws you off the bus. Wanker.

Signing off,
Andrew.

Toilets

WARNING! If you don't like discussions involving toilets, urine, and smells, please read another blog. NOW! If not, feel free to read on and feel my anger at the public toilet.

Going to the toilet is one of those necessary things in life, unless you are anyone/thing of the following:

a) A baby
b) A caveman
c) Incontinent
d) A dumb bastard
e) You have no urinary/excretory system

If you're at home, that's no problem. If you're not, things get difficult. I take school toilets for example.

"Our toilets are modern, sophisticated, and full of the latest amenities." This is what I would be saying if it was 1950. It's now 2004, and these toilets stink. Literally. You are greeted by the most pungent smell of pee ever. And yes, that does include the local old-persons home. Feeling faint is a regular occurrence in here, seriously, it's that bad. MY pee doesn't smell like that. Mine doesn't really have a smell at all. Either something is wrong with me, other people, or the toilets. It's most probably the latter. I suggest industrial strength air freshener. You may need to use a gasmask to be able to walk in that stuff, but you need a gasmask anyway, so it's no extra hassle.

Secondly, the flushing issue. Being male, I have two options in the toilet, a urinal, or a toilet. Neither seems to have been flushed in the last 27 years. Every time you go to the urinal, you are greeted by a thin layer of urine in the bottom, which has either turned a nasty shade of black, or green. The other day, I actually saw water come out of the tubes! Wow! But the water kind of missed half of the odd coloured liquid in the bottom, and kind of floated over anything it did hit. What the hell is that in those urinals!?
Then of course the toilets themselves. Half of them are never ever flushed. You need to go to relieve your bowels, and you are greeted by a great big floating turd! Either that, or someone has diahorreaed over the toilet bowl, toilet seat, floor and wall. Both smell like shite (literally), and occasionally are an off shade of green. Hardly something screaming "Come have a shite in me!" These toilets really need to clean up their act... I know, that was the most gawd-awful joke ever. Sorry.

And then there is the toilet paper. Well, I use "toilet paper" in the loosest sense possible. Tracing paper would be a much more accurate terminology. And it seriously is as bad as that. Well, if you can actually find any toilet/tracing paper. Either it's all been stuffed down the toilet by a person with severe toilet trouble, or tossed about the bathroom.
On finding some of this paper, I took a piece, and tried to trace something. 'Lo and behold, it actually worked! A really great thing?
Erm, no. Have you tried cleaning yourself after relieving yourself? If you've never tried this paper, I dunno how to describe it. I suppose if you've used sandpaper, it might be similar to that. I wouldn't know. In any case, not only is it a pain to use, it;s useless too. It has 0 absorbency. I dunno how the females are supposed to use it.

Well, I'm glad to say that our school is beginning to address these problems, but I can say no more than that, because this is supposed to be a complaints blog. I am miffed. My happiness is directed at others. If it surfaces. Ever.

One of our mystery bloggers has appeared. His name is Chris, and he will (hopefully) be contributing stuff. Well, I'm being quite positive there. I actually have no confidence in his reliability when it comes to it, and I'm sure his name will disappear off the list quickly enough. So cruel am I.

Moggy's Tip of the Day:
"Snow can be yellow, if you take my meaning."

Ewww. That's just gross.

Signing off,
Andrew.

Adware, spyware, malware. GAH!

The other day, I decided I'd install Picasa. Now anyone with a blogger account might know what this is. To upload images, you are told to use a program called "Hello!". It's sister program is Picasa, a digital picture editing program. In Hello!, it says you can try Picasa free for 15 days, but it seems now it has been made free.

Me, being the idiot I am, though that I had a good program available to me. "Wheee! I have a good program available to me" I said. So I downloaded it. I should have seen the next bit coming...

So away I go and install it. I'll note it is the most hideous program to use, ever. And I mean ever (well, there was this one program...). It kinda sucks a bit. So I decide that it's crap and I should uninstall it. "This is crap. I'm going to uninstall it" I thought to myself. So I did, and thought that was the end of that. However, unfortunately, it wasn't.

All of the sudden, my computer got real slow, for quite a while. It would stop responding for a few seconds at a time. What the hell? My first course of action is of course to press ctrl-alt-del and see what processes are running. A horror befell my eyes.

Webrebates0.exe
Webrebates1.exe
bargainbuddy.exe

AIEEEEE!!!! It's the ADWARE! RUN AWAY!

My instant reaction was to close them. Bargainbuddy provided no problems, but webrebates refused to close. I click close on one of them, it closes, and then reopens and insists on hogging my entire P4 1.5GHtz processor to itself for 15 seconds. I try the other, and it does the same. So I click "End Process Tree", and they both die. Phew!

So out pops Spybot Search & Destroy (Best adware removal program ever!) and ran it. That morning, I'd done a routine scan and found the 1 or 2 things that I usually find (I surf I bit, I do, and stuff gets through my firewall). However, this time, I'd found no less than 25 items! Twenty-five! And there had been none a few hours earlier! "Grrr", I said.

But before I deleted them, I decided to see if there were any other traces, such as installer files. I run a system find for "webrebates*.exe", and find the folder (conveniently C:/Program Files/Web_rebates). Guess what I found there? An installer file, but not any old installer. It had a rather amusing name, along the lines of "toprates_installer_silent.exe" SILENT! The bastards SILENTLY installed a program on MY computer! MINE!!!

So I delete those, and let Spybot S&D do its cleaning, but half the stuff is still in use by the system, so I have to restart my system! I'm busy! I have no time for this! ARRGGGHHHH!!

Two hours later, it was gone. Those bastards who make this shit should be strung up and have tree surgeons use them as growbags for a hyacinth bush. Do they seriously think ANYONE pays attention to their ads? I mean come on man! If I want to buy something, I'll go to ebay, or Viking Direct, or another reputable online store. Half these gobshites would laugh at you and steal your money. "Ha ha ha! We stole you money" they would say.

Gobshites.

Moggy's Tip of the Day:
"Once upon a time, in a fridge, far far away, there was... BREAD WARS!!!! If you take my meaning that is..."

What the feck is this cat on? Drink? Drugs? Catnip?

Signing off,
Andrew.

Corridor clots

You're in a big hurry. You're late enough for class as it is, and then you come across what I refer to as a "corridor clot".

Now, some of you may be intelligent enough to guess what a "corridor clot" is. If you aren't, I'll explain now. A corridor clot is basically a group of people, clumped together, and moving slowly down a corridor. It can be made up of as few as three people, or can be a mass of 10. Occasionally, a "corridoriac arrest" occurs, when a clot finds its way to a "stick site", ie where they stop. This can be at school photos, doors, but mostly radiators.

There's nothing wrong with socialising, but why do groups of people INSIST on blocking the entire width of the corridor, and moving slower than a snail with a 75kg backpack and a zimmer-frame! Do they not realise they are annoying large sections of the school community? The worst thing is when the move over to allow people from the other direction through, they don't have the intelligence to stay over and allow people behind past. They just merge back to the entire width of the corridor! If you say "excuse me", they look at you as if you had a rotting cat carcass on your forehead, and if you burst through, they call you things like "wanker", "tosser", or something suitably mundane, but offensive never-the-less". ARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

And a corridoriac arrest? They really piss me off. There is a T-Junction in our school. At lunchtime at this point, traffic merges from the bottom and left side of the T to go right to the refectory to have lunch. However, there is a rather convenient radiator located right at the end of the left side of the T. By this point, a corridoriac arrest occurs, when a clot lodges itself. It's truly a total mash there, and pedestrian flow halts.

For years, I've wanted to patent a device called "The corridor clot canabalizer". This device is handheld, similar in shape to a snowplough, but on each of the faces, a fast, large, powerful circular saw resides. Anyone who gets on my way gets diced. However, I've had no luck, and anyone who is willing to get me a patent for this device is perfectly welcome.

Another incredibly irritating thing is people who just STOP in the corridor, causing you to fly into the back of them. Don't these people realise they'll eventually kill someone someday? Maybe I should walk with a huge spike pointing outwards from my chest to spear anyone who does this. The world would truly be a better place.

Now, onto different matters. You may notice a slight change in title, from "miffed child", to "miffed children". That is because some like-minded cynical persons such as myself will be joining the blog. We will welcome them in time.

You may also notice some differences to the look. It's a slow process, but the blog will eventually change to make it rather unique indeed. I have to thank Alistair Lyons for his artwork contribution. (If you look for Alistair Lyons, you'll find out he won a Blue Peter art competition. Pop his name into Google and have a peek)

Moggy's tip of the day:
"Never, EVER eat custard cooked in any house build on the site of an old tractor factory, as you'll begin to receive messages from beyond the realm of cardboard toys, if you take my meaning."

"Cardboard Toys" is a realm? Wow.

Signing off,
Andrew

Spides, chavs, or whatever you want to call them

What inspired humans to allow these shit-mongers to wander the planet? Nothing, and I mean nothing, irritates me as much as a spide. (I lie, there are plenty of things that irritate me as much, if not more, but it makes a sentence sound better if I make it sound as if it's the worst thing ever.)

Some of you, especially Americans may not know what a spide/chev is. These creatures exist by mainly parasitic means (sponging off social security without any intention of really finding a job), love dressing in labeled tracksuits, have the intelligence of the lesser spotted swamp worm, and insist on driving around in souped up Vauxhall Novas or Corsas. Basically they're scum. The males of this species can usually be found beating up old women and robbing their money, and females of the species are uncharacteristically orange (Scientists believe this is known as "overtannus fakus"), and will be found in shops using one of their 70 or so credit/store cards, spending the national income of a Swiss national in one go. The young of the species are usually found in parks, defacing monuments, peeing over park benches and drinking.

Basically, they're the scum of the earth, and should all be shot. Well, some of them are for crossing a local drug dealer, but I suppose it's no loss to the world.

First point I should concentrate on is their parasitic properties. A large section of the people living in the UK are normal, law-abiding citizens, who work, and pay taxes to provide for roads, education, health, etc. However, some of this money goes to support people not in work. Now, I don't have a problem with that. What I do have a problem with is that some of this money goes to people who have never had a job, and never will. Never ever will they contribute to society, unless you count a beaten up old woman as a contribution to society. Yet, they sponge some of the money us upstanding citizens pay. And what the hell for? I'll tell you! Drugs! Drink! Hideous clothes! Forget food and basic provisions, they don't matter. I wish they would starve.

Another thing is their stupid cars. A Vauxhall Nova is a pretty old car now. Unreliable and quite lacking in the design department. You can get one for about £200. But what spides do is unbelievable. Instead of getting a nice new car, they spend £200 getting a Nova, then spend £10,000 on "upgrading" the Nova. I mean, come on! What's so brilliant about a Nova engine at top revs, with tinted windows, alloys, with an exhaust 10 times as wide as their brains that explodes on a regular basis? And a 1kw soundsystem pumping in the back? Would it not be easier to buy a second-hand sports car? Then they cruise up and down a local promenade, blocking it with cars and scaring away the local population, or running over them. Many of them end up splatted over the bonnet of another car, as they have an affinity with driving at 110 mph down narrow country roads, usually with no seatbelts. Of course, the money used to buy these twats their cars was, at one point, mine.

Why do they insist on getting themselves £30,000 into debt? Then they complain that they need more money from the state? Do banks realise what they let themselves in for when they allow these people to borrow money? Spides have a strong love of credit cards, and, for the most idiotic reasons. When they get a credit card, they look at it, and read "Credit Limit, £2500", so they run off to the shops in the false delusion they have £2500 to spend. No chev, you have £18,820.79 to give to people whom you owe. God, what twats.

They breed like rabbits too. And the men breed with mingers too! I mean, what is appealing about an orangutan? There is nothing great about orange tans. Either that, or they have severe skin cancer from sleeping in sun-beds. A lot of them insist on wearing the most incredibly dumb-ass adidas tracksuits, wearing tons of jewellery (either stolen or from Argos), and riddled with drug-abuse related diseases. You know, some of them have babies so they can claim more money from the state!

Beating people up is on of their past-times. Especially people who are different from them (the majority of the population). When I become emperor of the universe, I shall pass a law disallowing them to exist. They all need to be slowly boiled in sloth excrement. Or slowly stretched apart by the Mid-Atlantic ridge.

Moggy's tip of the day: "A good cure for flatulence is to skin a teddy bear, boil the fluff and force it in the ear of the nearest 'earthworm', if you take my meaning."

Wonder what he mean's by 'earthworm'?

Signing off,
Andrew